Jokes, jokes and more jokes

[twistedspikes]

Post all your favorite jokes in here. I'll start:

3 buddies decide to go skiing an check into the ski lodge
the lodge is booked solid an they have to share a single room an a single bed
they all hop into bed... fall fast asleep to prepare for an early morning ski run
early the next morning they wake up
and the guy on the right side of the bed says"i had the weirdest dream i was getting a hand job"
the guy on the left side of the bed says"dude thats really weird... i had the exact same dream"
the guy in the middle says"hmmm... i just had a dream taht i was skiing"

old but still amuses me.

[twistedspikes]

While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Thought this one was pretty good

[HumanoidLookingRobot]

these jokes are gross. it contains sex.

[twistedspikes]

Oh i'm sorry, you want a clean one?

drunk #1 "my girl drives me to drink!"
drunk #2 "yer lucky... i have to walk"

[twistedspikes]

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking? she's gonna eat me!

Just a few short ones I heard the other day

[twistedspikes]

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

lol I love this one.

[twistedspikes]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

Another joke I found amusing

[twistedspikes]

Q: Whats the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around!!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.95 a minute

Crikey, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

Whats the diff between your wife and your job? After 10 years your job still sucks

Q: What do you call a fat woman who likes men and women?
A: A bisexual built for two!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken!

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung

Some more short jokes I found amusing

[twistedspikes]

Q: Why do Scots wear kilts?
A: Because the sound of a zipper scares the sheep away...

lol this amused me a lot

[twistedspikes]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."

A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."

The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.

The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

I thought it was a bit funny...