Should a school allow this?

[Kara]

My ex has remarried to someone who works at my daughter's school. The new wife has no involvement with my daughter as a part of the job, but a teacher there has discussed my daughter's performance with her ....as though she were entitled to know.

My daughter thinks this is wrong, and so do I. Neither of us have that sort of relationship with the new wife that we want to share this kind of information with her.

Am I right to think that this should not have happened? What's reasonable in terms of trying to put this view across to those involved?
The new wife has no parental responsibility and my daughter is 14 and able to express her views clearly.
The school is in England.

The custody situation is that I am the 'parent with care'. My daughter is free to visit her Dad - which is fine with me - they get together once or twice a week depending on Dad's availability.

[hexeliebe]

Where is this school located? What is the custody situation between you and the ex?

[mandk]

As a teacher I can understand how this has happened, schools are quite close knit incestuous places and lots of gossipping goes on as it does in any other place of work. Teachers do discuss pupils - praising them or complaining about poor behaviour or comparing effort and attitude in different subjects. It's unavoidable. You say the person involved is not a teacher, but being part of the school she will be very aware of what's going on and will hear and see lots of things, some intentionally some unintentionally. People will also assume because she is the child's step-mother it is OK to chat to her about the child. I'm not saying this is right or professional. If you feel that strongly about it speak to the school and request that your daughter is not discussed with this person in a parental capacity. However you will not be able to stop her noticing if your girl is praised or punished for something because quite often these are up on notice boards etc. If she was acting out of concern for your daughter why worry about it - the more people looking out for your child and on their side the better I say - and a little inside knowledge and influence could help you both. If you're still worried though contact the school and speak to Headteacher or Head of Year. Good luck.

[raftart]

If she has no involvement with her as a teacher then I don't think she should be privy to information about your daughters progress. Although, as a colleague, maybe he valued her opinion. But as she is now your ex's wife, if your daughter would rather she not know about her progress, I think you have a good enough reason to speak to the headmaster and ask that she does not get involved with your daughter's education. It may cause friction between you and your ex but he has to understand that you and your daughter are uncomfortable with it.

[addybme]

I think that you should indeed go to the school about this. Let them know that this new step mom does not have that kind of involvement with your daughter, and that you need to be called and informed of anything before anybody else. Let them know that your daughter is not comfortable with the situation, and that all party's involved need to put her first. No I do not believe the school should be allowing this.

[Joy]

Stepping back a bit, and try to put your emotions aside...for a brief moment to get a different perspective on things.

1. Is the description of your daughters performance 'accurate'. Is she doing well, or is she in need of assistance? First attend to whatever you child is lacking in her performance then deal with the adults involved. (be as diplomatic as possible.)

2. I personally see no harm in a teacher discussing the performance with another 'Family' member. It may have been the teacher's judgment that 'it is in the best interest of the student'. (This should be the primary goal, we would all hope for. It take a community of people to raise a child and responsible mature adults influence our children every day.)

3. This woman is married to your daughter's father. What is his opinion. (without causing an argument, just what are his feelings about his Wife being involved in the life of his daughter.) Do they spend time together?. She is not taking your place! She is just another adult influence in your daughters life.

May your daughter learn to decipher the good and bad experiences in her life. And learn a positive lesson from the reaction of the adults around her.

Best of luck sorting through your differences. Please keep your daughter's feelings and behavior in perspective. Be sure a situation is not being created to draw more attention or create more tension.

[?IAutumnIsAlmostHERE!?]

As long as the other teacher was not talking inappropriatly about your daughter I do not see anything wrong with it. She probably thought that your ex husbands new wife could pass on the message to your daughters dad. I'm sure she really meant no harm. But if you really have a problem with it bring it up to someone.

[ms_stolli]

Well she is the childs step mum - and if it is a performance issue then it doesnt appear to be spiteful to me.

[Helen S]

Do the school know that you don't have that kind of relationship with her?
Has your ex given the school permission to discuss your daughter's school performance with his new wife?
Did the new wife ask for information or was it given freely?
Is the new wife friends with the teacher or are they just a colleague?

There are lots of answered questions here, so makes it hard to judge right or wrong of it. Could have been a friend telling a friend thing, or a simple presumption on teh school's behalf.

Bottom line - if you don't like it tell the school and inform your ex that you'd prefer matters not be discussed so casually and with your daughter's step-mother before the pair of you, (don't exclude hi or you'll aleinate him)

The school have to respect your wishes, and your ex may be put out but if you put it nicely i.e. "think its best if you and i know school things first and can therefore work together" it should be okay.